Sunday, March 1, 2015

March 2nd, 2014

         I was riding on a little Fijian boat about to go snorkeling in Moon Reef when it hit me, one year ago from this very moment I was lying on what felt like a bed made out of cardboard in Primary Children's Hospital, debating on whether or not it mattered to me if I lived or died. The weeks leading up to the hospital were full of hopelessness and pain. I was getting treated for Lyme's disease and I was more miserable than ever. I was going to the doctor's multiple times a week to get IV's placed in my arm that supposedly held the "magic cure." I stopped going to school, I stopped seeing my friends, and I only came out of my room to go to the bathroom and eat. Misery was my only company and depression carved itself into my chest. There wasn't anything anyone could say or do to hurt my feelings that I hadn't already done to myself. I remember crying myself to sleep every night. I remember crying on the bathroom floor while letting the shower run to drown out my sobs.

         02/06/14: "Dear God, am I so selfish that I have everything anyone could possibly need yet I feel so empty? Because depression holds my heart and the definition of being "sick" is ingrained into every bone in my body and every dream entitled to my future remains not possible. "Just be happy?" I'm trying don't you get that? You don't know what it's like to be this young and this sad. You ask if it's coming back my depression? Well where did it go because I'm pretty sure it's been hiding in my shadow since I was 12 years old, and every time the sun comes out I feel the heat on my face and the sun in my hair and just as I begin to feel like I'm getting somewhere I look down to see your smile carve "worthless, stupid, fat, ugly, inadequate, liar" into my brain. I want to be happy, but for the first time I've realized happiness just isn't for everyone."

        Reading over my old journal entries I can still see the girl who only wore over sized sweatshirts and ripped leggings. Depression was trending among the students of Lone Peak and I didn't know how to help someone else if I couldn't even help myself? All I've ever wanted to do is help people. Not for my own satisfaction (well kind of) but because I know what it's like to suffer alone and I never want anyone else to have to experience it. People need people, and everybody loves somebody and somebody loves you. So please even though you want to end the pain and the sadness and the hurt you are also ending the possibility of love and faith and joy. It gets better! A year ago today I wanted to give up, but I didn't. Now I'm living in Fiji training 30 administrators at the LDS College techniques and skills that promotes creativity in their classrooms. I'm teaching Art and P.E classes to high school girls. I'm painting murals on schools, going on nightly strolls to the beach, and playing hide n go seek with the village kids who have absolutely nothing and are still so happy. I'm assistant teaching a class of forty-eight 9 year old's who have way to much energy for it to be considered normal. I'm finally living my dreams and I've never felt so much joy, I've never felt so close to God, and I've never felt so much love for myself.

      A year ago I would have never guessed I would be where I am today. I would have never believed it was possible to think that I was beautiful. I would have never believed that it was possible for me to love myself, but I finally do! So please don't forget when you are in the darkest of moments to remember what God has shown you in the light. Choose to stay. Choose to love and endure and forgive because all we have is this one life and we all have people to meet, stories to tell, and lives to change. So choose now to stay and I promise you, you'll never regret it!






3 comments:

  1. Love you so much Gabi. Come home soon please.

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  2. GABI. My email is lexi.sheffield@gmail.com. Send me something so I have your email. I miss you like crazy, but it looks like you're having a fulfilling life experience. So happy you're doing well. Love ya!

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