I just wanted to write you a letter to tell you what I have learned about death since you passed away. I thought the worst day of my life was when I was kneeling by your bed in the hospital holding your hand as I felt it go from warm to cold. I thought that the worst moment was when we pulled up to the house for the first time since you passed and I saw your car still parked in the garage, or when I went up to your room and your bed was still unmade. No one told me that the worst part about losing your best friend are the days and weeks to follow. It's forgetting that when I go to call you on my cellphone you won't answer. It's those first few seconds right when I wake up in the morning when it still feels like everything is right in the world. Mom, I never knew my heart could hurt this much. It feels like someone is physically ripping it out of my chest and leaving behind a huge hole. In the midst of my heart shattering as I think about our lives without you, that's when I feel it mom. That's when I feel him, my Savior Jesus Christ. This Christmas I won't just be thinking about holding the baby Jesus as he lay in a manger, because this year mom He will be holding me.
Growing up in the Gospel of Jesus Christ I spent so many Sunday's asking you, "Why do we have to go to church mom, it's so long!" You would just smile and tell me that one day I would understand. I remember the day I called you and told you that all 3 of your girls were going to serve missions because I had finally made my decision. You were so happy that day! You later told me that you always knew I would go. I never really understood how you knew since I spent so many Sundays sneaking out of church or coming down with the, "flu." That's just the kind of person you were mom, you never gave up on your children, you never gave up on me. I'll never forget the day I got home from my mission. I went down the wrong escalator so I came up to you from behind. I remember wrapping my arms around you feeling the curve in your spine. You had been battling cancer for a year and a half by this time but still had all of your beautiful thick hair. I thought that was the sweetest reunion in my life! After being apart from you for so long I was finally home. But mom, now I know so much more. I've learned so much in this last year with you, and I know now that nothing will be as sweet as the reunion I will have with you when I leave this life and get to be in paradise with you. Then I will truly be home.
Mom, thank you for letting me take care of you these last few months. You have taken care of me my whole life. You bathed me as a child, fed me, loved me, changed me, brushed my hair etc. and I feel so honored that I got to do the same for you before you passed. Thank you for letting me serve you. Thank you for letting me love you in the way that you have always loved me. I believe in life after death. I believe I will see you again. You were an example to me my whole life but never forced me to have a testimony. You just loved me no matter what. I have a testimony of Jesus Christ because of the work that I have done on my own part, because of the prayers I have uttered, and the scriptures I have read. I have a testimony of the Book of Mormon. I know it is the word of God. I know that through Christ and his resurrection we all have the chance of living with our loved ones forever. This life is a test, and mom you passed it with flying colors. I love you, but I know you know that. I know that you are still close by. I am so grateful for the knowledge that families can be together forever. Each and everyday I will try a little harder to be a little better, so that one day I can have forever with you.
"Joy isn't the absence of pain, but the presence of God." You taught me to believe in a higher power. One that can turn straw into gold, and pain into JOY. I feel him mom. I feel the Savior and that's how I know that we'll be okay here. This is what I have learned about death since you've passed. That no matter how dark, hopeless, and unloved you feel there is someone who can shed light to even the darkest corners and hopeless minds. He is Jesus the Christ, and He lives.
You made it mom. You finally get to rest in paradise. He is so proud of you, as am I. Until we meet again mamma, I'll remember to dance in the rain!
I love you.
P.S don't forget to save me a spot up there! I'm going to need the help, but you already know that ;)